Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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