I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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