I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
