i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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