Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
