i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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