My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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