Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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