I cannot find my penis.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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