She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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