then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
