I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
