Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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