I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
