Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
