as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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