She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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