I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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