The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
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Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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