how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
