I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
