Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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