I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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