sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
