Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he had hair everywhere except his balls
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
