Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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