I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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