Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
