I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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