We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
