I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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