If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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