Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Help me help you realize you are a moron
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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