I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
