Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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