A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
