I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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