I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
