nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
