We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
