I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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