highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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