btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
