the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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