I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
