I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
