they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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