Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
