I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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