I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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