I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
