if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
