I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
