we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
