I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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