i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
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He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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