just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
