No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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