well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
