Welp...herpes.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
